Hello Kitty “actually Jack the Ripper” say creators

by philapilus

Often cut out the victim’s uterus and disfigured the face

Children, fans of stationery, and adults who refuse to grow up, have expressed surprise and dismay on learning that popular icon Hello Kitty is in fact a serial killer, and not – as was previously thought – an inoffensive cartoon cat.

Collectors of cutesy paraphernalia said they felt “deceived and angry”, after creators Sanrio revealed that Kitty was the infamous Jack the Ripper – almost as far from being a cloying lunchbox decoration as physically possible.

Fan Samantha Furcup said “All my clothes, bedcovers, posters, bags, mugs – everything – are covered with Hello Kitty. I have her face tattooed across my breasts, for fuck’s sake. And now it turns out that all along she has been an unhinged Victorian murderer in disguise? Gutted. Deeply gutted.”

Sanrio announced that Hello Kitty “Has never been a cat actually. The character originated out of the 1970s fad in Japan for all things English. We tried to come up with things the English really love, and discovered that the thing most celebrated and talked about in your country are the gory crimes of serial killers.

“But the fact that the Ripper carefully disembowelled and carved up prostitutes also meant Kitty resonated nicely with the Japanese preoccupation for very fucked-up shit happening to women. Seriously, just google “Japanese girl + pain”. 

“But for Christ’s sake, not at work.”




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