Stephen Hawking dumped into freezing ocean to raise ALS awareness

by philapilus
George W. Bush, P.K. Subban and Lindsay Lohan are some of the well-known people who have participated in the Ice Bucket Challenge, a fundraiser for ALS research.

Well done guys! Without doubt the most altruistic thing anyone has ever done, ever…

Stephen Hawking was this morning flown to the Arctic Circle where, after a suitable hole had been cut in the ice, he was removed from his motorised chair and thrown into the freezing polar sea.

The famous physicist’s dunking resulted in his entering a hypothermic coma, which medical experts say “Will almost certainly kill him, but it’s hard to tell, as he never moves or says anything without the computer anyway.”

ALS ‘Ice Bucket challenge’ co-ordinator, Dwayne T. Osspot said “Hawking is a really good sport for doing this. Really good sport. Although, we didn’t actually ask, as he might have said no. But one of the good things about ALS sufferers is that you can do whatever you want to them. Stick silly hats on their heads, paint penises on their chins… anything!

“This is a great way to raise awareness, without resorting to cheap, attention-grabbing stunts.”

Ice Bucket dunkee, Gwyneth Paltrow, said “When I had an ice bucket upended over me, I was like, ‘wow, so this is how ALS sufferers feel’, and I really understood it, on a deep, moving level. I think that’s because I am such a big-hearted person. Anyway, I stood there in my little bikini, which really accentuates my pert breasts, and then my maid dried me off with a big fluffy towel. God it was tough. Then I nominated my cunt of an Ex.

“Apparently I got loads of publicity out of it, but that wasn’t the point. We all do our bit. Mine just happens to be looking good, and promising to donate $20 to Amyotropherific lateroll – er… to ALS.”

Paltrow, along with many other celebrities who selflessly undertook the public challenge, subsequently signed a petition calling for Hawking’s Arctic dunking, because “The ice bucket thing would be wasted on him; he already knows how it feels!

“We’re all massively putting ourselves out for thirty seconds to help these cripples, so it’s only fair he goes that one step further, and gets chucked into the sea. Or possibly fired into the absolute zero temperature of deep space.”

Someone who wasn’t famous and had thought about it for a second said “I understood the whole awful thing with ALS is that it goes on for the rest of your life? Aren’t we just saying a big ‘fuck you’ to anyone with ALS when we towel-off and walk away?

“Also, aren’t there charities that campaign to get precious fresh water to dying people around the world? Or charities to get rich people to stop making everything about themselves, and just help other people for the sake of it, anonymously? No? Oh, OK. Carry on then.”

“Please could we stand underneath while you do it, and try and catch the drops you don’t need?”

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: