Salmond ‘wins’ independence debate that no one listened to

by philapilus

“I will crush his pudgy little head”

Political commentators have agreed that Alex Salmond should be declared the victor of last night’s televised Scottish independence debate “for the sake of balance”, after the First Minister’s previous drubbing at the hands of Alistair Darling.The general feeling amonsgt attending journalists and pundits was that “As no one heard a word either man said – because we all fell asleep the moment it started – we thought we’d just give it to Alex this time, to even things out.”

Terry Thomas, political analyst for some shitty newspaper with ‘Mail’ in the title, represented the general consensus when he said “I fell asleep during the first one too, but gave it to Alistair because he’s thinner, and I fucking hate little fat men. But then my sister, who is fat, told me that was really cruel, so this time when I woke up, I voted for Alex.”

“Once ah’ve kicked him senseless, Ah’m gon’ tae take Darling tae yon cludgee an’ maek him drink ma piss”

An ICM poll commissioned by the Guardian found that 71% of viewers fell asleep after 45 seconds, whilst only 29% managed to make it past the two minute mark.

These figures will be worrying news for the Better Together campaign, who were counting on people staying awake long enough to get incensed by Alex Salmond’s stupid, hectoring voice.

A spokesperson said “Ok, we admit our arguments are as rubbish as theirs. And yes, if we’re honest, it is just as hard to give credence to Darling as it is to listen to Salmond. After all, Alistair was Chancellor under a government that broke the entire UK.

“But Salmond is a truculent little tosser, and we are mostly doing this whole campaign just to spite him. What a complete cock.”

But the First Minister was jubilant and said “Aye, twas a cleer victory fir Scotland agin yon Englanders, on accoont o’ ma twa punches to Darling’s heid, an’ the Glasgie Smile Ah gie’d him.

“Wha dye meen ye dinnae see it?! Those wurr ma best mooves! Och; noo we gang haf tae do it aul o’er agin!”

At which point a surprising number of journalists assigned to cover the Indepence Question shot themselves in the face.

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We would like to refute utterly claims that we are prejudiced against Salmond, Darling, fattyfatfatties, thieving Scotsmen, bastard Englishmen, pro-independence supporters, pro-union supporters, or the Mail or Guardian newspapers. We loathe them all in equal measure.

 

 

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