Boris calls for small change in law to let him become Emperor

by philapilus

Behold! The God-king descends majestically from the sky!

After calling this morning for legal reforms to do away with “All that rotten guff about fair trial and habeas corpus“, Boris Johnson has now suggested yet more “minute changes to the law, that will allow me to, you know, sort of rule you all as an Emperor/God-incarnate type of chap.”

Boris said this lunchtime that he would like to see “Some really very, very minor alterations in British Sovereign law, that just kind of ‘bump up’ my role a bit.

“Kind of elevating the London Mayoralty to something a bit more…well, a bit more like a Great Khan or Pharoah sort of figure, with powers of, um, of life and death over all humanity. Something a bit more like…um…like that sort of thing. Good-o.”

Boris hinted that the new position could also put an end to speculation over whether or not he would challenge David Cameron for the Tory leadership, when he said that his first duty would be to torture and execute every single current Member of Parliament or the House of Lords.

“One doesn’t want to, to…to, um, arrogate too much power to oneself…more about, you know…duty and, what’s the word, sort of mantelpiece? No, mantle? Mantle…? Yoke! Yes, the yoke of responsibility.

“But I think the people of London and indeed the whole…big round thing… live on it, sort of turns round and we don’t fall off – God knows how – the, um…World! Yes, London and the World are probably, probably with me on this. Better than letting Ken in again, eh?”

Although the Mayor was expected to stand as a candidate for the constituency of Uxbridge and South Ruislip, pundits say his stated ambition indicate he could be thinking a bit bigger.

One commentator said “It’s a bit out of the blue, but then, none of us thought an ape could be mayor, and look what happened.”

Boris added “When I am the, the…ah… king of kings, buses will be renamed ‘Boris-buses’, attractive ladies will have mandatory boob inspections from me, and the Underground will become ‘Boris’s Big Tube’.

“I plan to rule with an iron…you know… thing at the end of your arm; glove, hand, er…foot? Fist! An iron, you know, fist. Good stuff.”

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