Richard Dawkins’ Diary

by philapilus

My, what a handsome fellow I am!

5:15 Woke up. Pointless really, nothing to do for a few hours. Back to bed.

9:00. Woken by doorbell; postman with sack of hatemail. I measure his forehead and congratulate him on finding a job that surpasses his genetically predetermined limitations. Rude little oik calls me “A huge dickhead”.

9:30 Phone starts ringing. Twenty invites to interview within fifteen minutes! All interested in pitting me against parents of mongoloids to debate Down Syndrome. Paid off nicely!

10:00 More writing for my book ‘Why the highpoint of evolution is the biology professor’. It is excellent. Sent tingles up my spine reading it back to myself.

11:20 Brick comes through the window with ‘We should of put YOU down you speccy git!!!’ note attached. I make some corrections and go outside to chastise the illiterate blighters. Another brick hits me on head.

14:25 Come round in hospital. Odious fellow in next bed starts-up conversation. Naturally assume at first he wants my autograph, but turns out he’s never heard of me! I enlighten him, and point out his good fortune to be near me. Asks me to explain evolution, so I tell him it is the process by which his family-line will shortly be wiped off the face of the earth. He does not take well to it.

15:45 Come round again. Bastard’s given my beautiful face a nasty black eye. For some reason, nurse finds it very funny. Makes some joke about how only the strong should survive, and the negative implications of my having been knocked out by a man with a broken arm. I explain her stupidity at length. Strangely, she does not return to change my bedpan, nor bring me any supper. Probably a genetically inferior memory.

20:55 Wife arrives to take me home. Spend the journey pointing out her various driving-errors, to help improve her sloppy mental processes. She is silent -no doubt contemplating my excellent criticisms.

21:15 Phone-call with editor. Seems to think I have made some errors in a manuscript. I explain why this is impossible, and invite her to compare our relative IQs.

21:30 Phone call from Daniel Dennett. Spend a pleasant hour laughing at Christians. Agree that the world should consist of just the two of us, running around gaily, marvelling at nature.

23:00 All-in-all another frustrating day, surrounded by cretins who should have been euthanised at birth. Going to bed with excellent, inspiring book – one of mine naturally.

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