IS: ‘Our motivations are holy, pure, noble, and maybe a teeny little bit financial’

by philapilus

It’s almost certainly NOT about being unable to pull

A spokesman for theocratic fundamentalist Jihadists, Islamic State, has explained that the $132m ransom it initially demanded for the return of murdered journalist James Foley was “Absolutely definitely in line with the Koran, and I’ll probably even remember which bit in a minute.”

Foley’s slaughter, apparently “Motivated by the need to do God’s bidding”, is mentioned in a new television ad-campaign IS has launched to prove that its actions “Are profoundly just, and not simply the work of a bunch of misogynist, hypocritical, backward cunts”.

Set against a backdrop of Butlins-style holiday camps, the ad features a masked narrator who goes on to say that “Furthermore IS recruitment is not about targeting credulous morons, whose tiny brains haven’t moved past the bronze age, and encouraging them to join us in a free-for-all grab for money and power.

“We also have fun days out, infidel awareness meetings, and we’re bigger stoners than the inhabitants of a ‘frat-house’, whatever that is! And it’s all straight from the Koran!”

But God has denied any affiliation whatsoever with IS. Speaking from Valhalla, the Apartment-house of the Deities on Mount Olympus’ Nirvana Street, He said “Islamic State? A bunch of massive cunts if you ask me.

“I mean, they’re insane, murdering assholes – they make the US military look positively moral! Jesus Christ! Oh sorry, no, mate, sorry; I wasn’t calling you. It was just a figure of speech. No, just carry on with the Playstation, OK, I’ll be in in a minute. Can’t you see I’m giving an interview here?”

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