Mingers to get their A-level results a day late again

by philapilus

“Ok, on 3 everyone jump up and cheer – those of you we didn’t speak to earlier, please make sure you’re facing in the opposite direction. Everyone ready?”

Unattractive people who took A-Levels this year will once again be denied their results today, leaving the media free to focus on just the pretty ones.

Newspaper editors signalled their approval, after the DfE announced exam boards had only graded the papers of pupils rated at least 8 out of 10 by a board of lecherous teachers.

Ofsted inspector Roger Kidd said “Do I think it’s wrong? Hell no! No one wants to see a fatty jumping up and down excitedly, the outer regions of her stomach wobbling like blancmange.

“Grading attractive students ahead of the others is a brilliant way of ensuring we see hot teenaged girls hugging each other, without the distraction of mingers and bloaters weeping over their no doubt awful results.

“Results day is all about pert young people smiling. And no one can fire you. Result!”

Photographers and cameramen have already begun the race to select the prettiest students who are anticipating high grades, and have stocked up on a range of props for sexy celebration scenarios, including pillows, water pistols, and transportable Jacuzzis.

Many of the most stunning specimens will not be asked to share their results with the cameras however – the Daily Mail is just one of the papers to have insisted that only students with five or more A*s will make the cut.

Mike Ock, a Physics teacher, said “All my students tend to be fairly unattractive and geeky, except Luke Addams. He’s like a young Brad Pitt. Naturally he’ll get his results today, ahead of the rest of his class, but because he is a moron I am sure he won’t be in the papers either.

“No one wants to see a pretty-boy weeping into his clenched fists because he can’t even get into Hull.”

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