World shortage of sympathy follows Hollywood deaths

by philapilus
File:Lauren bacall promo photo.jpg

Could act and was in films that weren’t about giant robots or anthropomorphic karate-practising turtles…

The relatively small amounts of sympathy, empathy and grief that the world is capable of have been massively eroded this week, according to experts.

The deaths of manic comedian Robin Williams and brilliant actress Lauren Bacall, have seen people all over the world using up their entire annual ration of care in just two days.

Celebrity death analyser, Marty Beebender, said “Everyone loved Robin Williams, he was amazing. Well, actually, to be quite honest I didn’t love him. He made a couple of good things and then loads of shit. But he’s dead, and so now we all think he was a genius and mourn him deeply.

“As for Bacall, she was a genuine star, an actual screen legend. She was married to Humphrey Bogart for fuck’s sake. We mourn her deeply too.

“Add Williams and Bacall together, and basically, we’ve mourned so deeply, there’s no mourning left to excavate from the mourning seam in the mourning mine. We’ve mined ourselves out of mourning reserves.”

Beebender’s words were echoed by Professor Hamish McEyebrau, Head of Brevity of Existence Studies at Slough Crematorium College.

“Unfortunately these deaths have come at a very busy death-period. There’s deaths in Ukraine, deaths in Gaza, deaths in Iraq, and the sodding Ebola virus in Africa. All of which are very much now playing second fiddle, because people don’t care about non-celebrities dying, even at the best of times.

“With grief-resources hit by stringent budget cuts, from now on all we’ll be able to do on hearing about a death – even if it’s our parents – will be to shrug indifferently and grunt ‘meh’.”

Every single person in Hollywood meanwhile is now doing their best not to die, as there is no chance of anyone else getting a look-in during the montage of mortality at the next Oscars.

Elderly actor Martin Landau said “The 2015 Academy Awards ceremony is going to be a complete Williams-and-Bacall fest. If I keel over this year I won’t get so much as a picture of my face on the doormat outside the Dolby Theatre.

“I’d better get going. If I stand anyplace too long the Grim Reaper turns up and pointedly sighs at me whilst studying his watch.”

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