Buying monkey-picked tea ‘ultimate sign’ of twattishness

by philapilus

There’s nothing people won’t try and force monkeys to do – some folks even use them as ‘side-boob protectors’

Purchasing tea which the packaging claims was picked by monkeys has been revealed as clinching proof that you are a total arse, it was revealed today.

The tea-leaves – which some say are hand-picked by monkeys and others claim just have a fancy title – are sold at a premium considered appropriate “For fleecing morons”, says the Food Standards Agency.

The FSA study found that most purchases of monkey-picked tea are actually gifts, “which are intended to impress upon the recipient the sophistication of the giver.

“But in fact the reason they are bought as presents is usually just that no one wants to drink something picked by an animal that handles and eats its own shit.”

Monkey picked tea joins civet-shat coffee seeds, shabby-chic’ed furniture and mushrooms, in the Retail Consortium’s ‘TOP TEN list of things that only utter idiots buy’ this year.

Utter idiots, however, remain unperturbed, and continue to buy the tea in vast quantities.

Unemployed tea-drinker Tim Twanks said “What I love about monkey-picked tea is that when I give it to people I project an air of sophistication, and distinguished – if maverick – taste.

“I like to feel that something truly natural and organic elevates the process beyond the ordinary mechanistic, capitalist exploitation of poor tea-bushes. I feel as if the monkeys and I are bonded in a symbiotic union of sharing and caring for our world.”

“Jesus wept, what a pillock” said everyone else.


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