Brits ‘now too stupid to sleep’

by philapilus

“This just helps me make sure I don’t miss anything on my iPad”

A new study by Ofcom has found that adults in the UK no longer know how to switch off electronic devices and close their eyes for a bit.

The report found that more time is spent using technology than sleeping, which experts have labelled “Unbelievably fucking stupid”.

Mike Ock, High-tech Thingy Researcher for Ofcom said “I am typing this on my 4G phone. I haven’t switched it off or closed my eyes in five weeks.

“I keep seeing things that aren’t there, and this morning I am pretty sure I killed someone with my car because I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen. I’m Googling recent traffic accidents now to see if they survived.”

Sleep analyst, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough University of Somnolence, said “Sleep is quite important. It’s when your brain tries to untangle all the horrible nasty things about you, and make you vaguely acceptable as a human being just in time for work the next day.

“Without sleep people become psychotic, flesh-craving, mindless beasts. Sort of like zombies, or members of the Conservative party.”

“Therefore, playing on your laptop, or sending your friends angsty texts with your 11th Gen iPhone at 3AM is less good for you than getting ordinary, healthy sleep. Do you see how that works?”

Ofcom recommend putting the technology down, and backing away slowly, but 87% of those surveyed online said they couldn’t remember how to let go of the shiny thing in their hands.

46% added that they didn’t know what ‘off-switch’ meant, and a concerning 7% failed to complete the survey and simply wrote ‘Samsung’ in the box marked ‘What is your name?’

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