GPs telling patients to ‘fuck *ff’ by phone “not making them less ill”

by philapilus

Rubbish for listening to heartbeats

Doctors who instruct patients to bugger off over the phone are not successfully lowering the numbers of people seeking medical help, according to a new study.

The report, published in the Lancet, found that the new ‘time-saving’ measures, whereby patients telephone their GP rather than visit the surgery, “are not fooling anyone.”

It states that “People who have genuine medical issues still need to be seen by a doctor. Hypochondriacs who are wasting everyone’s time will not be fobbed off by a poxy phone call. This whole thing has been a massive, massive waste of time.”

General practitioner Dr Ock said “When I tell patients not to bother coming in, and just to look up their symptoms on Wikipedia and take an aspirin, for some reason, they don’t consider I am fulfilling my duty of care.

“I’m pretty gutted. I thought my job from now on would be basically sitting at home in my pants, occasionally answering the phone, and eating cereal in front of the cricket. Fucking government initiatives.”

The universally despised Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, was unavailable for comment, as, according to an aide, he was busy hunting down hospitals to shoot and mount on his wall.

But a Department of Health spokesperson, Percy Spoke,  said that Mr Hunt was delighted with the huge success of the phone-in experiment, and was listening very carefully to all the positive feedback.

Spoke added “We will now be moving to Phase 2, which is to sack the entire NHS, and just provide health bulletins on Radio 4. This will, we hope, save us billions almost immediately, as no one tunes in anyway.”

 

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