Athlete denies agreeing with everyone else about Glasgow

by philapilus
File:Usain Bolt (9394490576).jpg

Please God let me get out of this pit alive

Olympic champion Usain Bolt has denied reports that he called the Glasgow Commonwealth Games “a bit shit” and has insisted that the event and the hosting city are both “absolutely brilliant”.

The Times newspaper reported that the runner had made the disparaging comments yesterday, and said that Bolt’s opinions “proved the rest of the Commonwealth stands united with the UK in regarding Glasgow as the arsehole of the British Isles.”

But at a press conference this afternoon, Bolt stood up in front of a crowd of assorted journalists and said the claims were untrue, and that he was having a whale of a time.

This raised a grunt of approval from the scores of scowling Glaswegian thugs who had forced their way into the room.

Smiling nervously at the pasty horde, many of whom sported tattoos on their lumpy faces and held broken bottles in their hands, Bolt said visiting rainy Scotland was “a dream come true.”

He added “To be honest I am thinking of moving here. It’s so much nicer than Jamaica, with your… your very interesting weather, and your fascinating local cuisine, which I would NEVER have guessed was really food.

“Would it be ok if I just pop to the airport for a bit now?”

A Glaswegian called McTavish, whose parents hadn’t had the wherewithal to give him a first name, said “Aye, it’s gud he’s ta’en it back. Maybe he isnae gon be burried in yon Glasgie graveyard after aul.

“Wull jis gie’im a kickin’ and braek his feet instead.”

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