Police ‘to politely ask criminals not to do crime’

by philapilus

These chaps are downloading the new Planet of the Apes film

The City of London police force announced this morning that it will replace all traditional forms of policing with new, targeted measures, including internet adverts, handing out ‘please don’t’ leaflets to suspicious characters, and using a loudhailer to ask people kindly to refrain from crime.

The process began with police banner ads appearing on piracy websites, with messages such as “Please don’t engage in piracy” and “You aren’t being naughty are you?” and the guilt-inducing “What would your dear old mum think if she saw you, eh?”

But the force decided to expand its use of such relatively passive means of crime-fighting because they are “cheaper, easier, safer, and mean we can spend most of the day sitting at a desk dunking bourbon chocolate biscuits in our tea.”

PC McGarry No.452 said “This copperin’ business is a right nuisance. Used to be you could give ’em a clip round the ear’ole, and tell ’em to bugger off. Now they say we ‘as to fight cyber crime, and I cannot even turn the bleedin’ computer on without help. So we’re putting the onus on your actual criminal to stop his wrongdoin’s of his own accord, using our new methods of shame, guilt, and our most powerful new weapon of all: politely askin’ ’em.

“We are very confident this’ll do the trick.”

Unemployed tech whizz, Tim Twanks, said “I haven’t paid for an album, film, internet service or even my online groceries since 2003.

“You know that bit on shop-bought DVDs when the anti-piracy ad says ‘YOU WOULDN’T STEAL A CAR’? Well, I would if it was as easy as nicking stuff off the internet. Incidentally I’ve burnt all this year’s new films to disc; do you want any?

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