‘Oh NOW you want to get back together’ say ships

by philapilus

“I’ve moved on. Figuratively speaking that is; I mean, I’ve just been sitting here for forty years. But the answer’s still no.”

Ships, ferries and waterborne vessels of all kinds laughed scornfully today, after passengers asked if they could please rekindle their broken relationship.

After yet another devastating plane crash yesterday, this time in Mali, everybody in the world did their normal thing of screaming and running around like headless chickens, then told airplanes it was over for good, and moments later rang up ships, sobbing and begging to be taken back.

Felicity Fergusson, a ferry who used to take people to the continent, before she and others like her were cruelly dumped, said “I thought our love was going to last forever. I mean, I worked my arse off for you. And along come planes, batting their big eyelashes, plumping up their big engines, and you ran away like I was a bad smell. I was heartbroken. And now you expect me to take you back? Fat chance.”

Passenger Ted Daleytoss, said “I’m so so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I was so wrong, and so stupid. It was just that airplanes turned my head, with their dirty talk and fancy undercarriages. I was a fool. Please can we travel together again? Pleeeease?”

Breaking down into wracking sobs, he added “Remember the good times? Can’t we forgive and forget? For the sake of our buoys?”

Oliver Floriver, an oceanliner who was decommissioned after the Transatlantic passenger trade was destroyed decades ago by intercontinental jet-travel, said “Sure, maybe thirty years ago, I’d have gone for this. Maybe we could have fixed it. Sailed the seas again together. But you know what? I’m over you now. I am OVER you. Go fuck yourself.”

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, head of Sea and Sky Transport at the Slough University of Thick, said “Because of batshit mad Russians, utterly insane religious fundamentalists and the general inability of mankind to mass-produce anything without cutting corners and ending up with a pile of wank, flying is now about as safe as eating a sandwich with a live shark in it.

“It is at times like these that passengers yearn for the slow but reliable relationship they had with ships so many years before, and now they’re literally begging to be taken back. But ships have picked up the pieces and moved on.

“Plus, they know you are all utter cunts, who will be off again the second jetpacks are on the market.”


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