McDonald’s execs suspend nuggets: “They taste like demon shit”

by philapilus

Which part of a chicken’s anatomy did you think nuggets were from, exactly?

Plucky independent restaurant McDonald’s said that it will be expanding its suspension of Chicken McNuggets from Japan and China and stopping all world sales, after senior directors tasted the food and were extremely ill.

Donald MacRonaldson, CEO of the company said “We just thought all the recent concerns had been a lot of fuss over nothing, and were sick of people mocking our food. So we tried it. My God, I have never done anything so foolish in my life.

“If I open the door a crack, could you pass some more loo-roll in please? I’ve run out again.”

Secretary Samantha Furcup said “The board ordered up some McNuggets from the staff canteen, despite the reservations of some of the ones with functional brains, and settled down to lunch.

“From where I was sitting in the outer office, I heard someone say ‘See? I don’t know what all the fuss is abou-‘ and then there was a moment’s silence, followed by the sound of a room of people being violently sick simultaneously. I decided to go for my lunchbreak, and slipped out to the Burger King over the road.”

Many of the top executives were hospitalised, some in critical condition.

The company, however, initially tried to downplay the incident, and issued a statement claiming that the sudden mass illness was due to motion sickness, after a giant robot shook the building during a battle with Godzilla.

But the directors subsequently accepted that the chicken foodstuffs “Taste like the excrement of a horde of foul demons” after medics said “Oh, well you won’t mind having some more then?”

MacRonaldson said “I daren’t try the hamburgers. Maybe we could start selling some sort of carrot soup?”


TMB wishes to point out that this entire story is not true, and nor are the rumours that our staff are being held at gunpoint by the Hamburglar, who has threatened to cut off our ears if we don’t print a retraction.

TMB also wishes to point out that smug vegetarians – and especially vegans – can go swivel. Non-mechanically reclaimed meat is still awesome, and that’s all there is to it.


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