Glaswegians waxing foreheads for 10 days of nuttings

by philapilus

The Glasgow Tourist Board has pamphleted the city with Illustrated leaflets reminding the populace how to perform the Glasgow Kiss, and commissioned this uplifting civic sculpture, entitled ‘Glasgow expects every man to do his duty’

Glasgow’s population have been training hard in preparation for the muggings, headbuttings, brutal assaults, and general acts of violence they will be perpetrating during the next fortnight or so, to celebrate the Commonwealth Games.

Visitors from all around the world will flock to the city, with the aim of watching some of the world’s finest athletes compete, although they will, in fact, spend most of their visit lying in gutters moaning, or visiting the city’s overworked casualty wards.

Spokesperson for the Commonwealth Games Federation, Sir Percy Spoke, said “We were desperate not to hold the event in Scotland, but they sent a note threatening ‘tae do youse all in gud an prop’r if ye’ll no hold tha games heeer’, and so we had no choice.

“We have alerted all athletes to the dangers of Glasgow, and hope that, with the help of the police, army, and SAS, no more than 50% of the atheletes will be wounded or killed. Sadly we cannot promise the same for spectators.”

Top British athlete Mo Farah, said “I am terrified. The city is full of hardnuts with knuckle tattoos, prominent Neanderthal foreheads, and rough, unshaven jaws. And that’s just the women.”

But analysts think there could be some hope in the very un-British weather that the UK is currently experiencing.

Sir Spoke said “Hopefully it will stay hot and sunny; the Scot is allergic to strong light, and even burns in the presence of an electric bulb, if it is over 30W.

“But just to be on the safeside Her Majesty the Queen, the entire organising committee (including myself), and some of the better looking athletes will use body doubles for the duration of the Games. If you think I am going anywhere near Glasgow you have another bloody think coming.”

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