TMB’s guide to the cabinet reshuffle

by philapilus
File:NYA typing class.gif

The female members of the reshuffled cabinet settle in to their new roles

The Prime Minister’s reshuffle of his cabinet yesterday saw some MPs promoted, some demoted, and some thrown into the Thames with concrete shoes on. Cameron has finished choosing the team that he hopes will take him to victory in the 2015 general election, but while the new cabinet limbers up for battle, here’s our analysis of the recent arrivals and the dear departed:

William Hague:

Hague is retiring from politics, and will be released back into the wild, where it is hoped he might be able to find another shiny slaphead with whom to mate. Zoologists however have characterised his chances as “depressingly slim”.

Ken Clarke:

Ken Clarke will be leaving the cabinet and returning to his first love, art history, and is due to take up the directorship of the National Gallery before the autumn. He will remain an MP.

Nick Clegg:

Nick is not being promoted as such, but he will now be allocated a desk under a rotting cardboard box in the garden of No.10, where tipsy tories can fire at him with air rifles to relieve the boredom of listening to George Osborne. This is a vast improvement, however, on Clegg’s previous work space, which was situated beneath the leaky gents urinal in the House of Lords.

John Major:

The former Prime Minister and Mr Universe 2013, Major will be heading up the coalition government’s attempt to splice genetic material from Margaret Thatcher and  Enoch Powell to create a new species of uber-tory. He will also continue to work as an astronaut for NASA.

Rolf Harris:

Veteran beardie Rolf will be giving up his role as Minister for Children and Women, and will become the new Minister without Portfolio. Primarily because all his artwork got nicked on his first day in D-wing.

Ed Miliband:

Red Ed will be replacing Floella Benjamin as the punching bag hung from the ceiling of the Cabinet Office. Cameron said this was the appointment he was most excited about, because “That Floella hits back too much, and she is such a f***ing hardass that no one has dared train ever since she broke Theresa May’s face last year.”


Token women will join the front bench, though they will be put into relatively unimportant roles, where the PM hopes “They won’t do too much damage”. New roles have been created specially, including Minister for Answering the Phone, Minister for Taking Minutes, and Minister for Making the Tea. After electoral victory Cameron’s token ladies will all be fired, at which point they will immediately be shipped back to the typing pool at Conservative Central Office, or possibly go and become women bishops.




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