Gove’s new role as blackboard monitor “not a demotion” says PM

by philapilus

Michael was escorted off the premises today, and delivered to his new office, in a broom cupboard in Watford

David Cameron’s office insisted today that the reassigment of Michael Gove, from Education Secretary to ‘chief whip, blackboard monitor and photocopier paper fetcher’, is “not even slightly a demotion. Not even a teeny-weenie bit.”

A spokesperson said that “Michael has been doing some really brilliant work over at Education. He managed the unprecedented feat of uniting opinion amongst all the various education stakeholders in the UK. Teachers, heads, Ofsted, PTAs, pupil focus groups – have all joined in universal agreement for the first time ever.

“And that is, I think, an astonishing achievement, even if they are only, in fact, united by a common loathing of Michael.”

Gove, who was affectionately called “A pob-faced fuckwit, whose fat cheeks I’d like to squeeze until his eyes burst out” by Archbishop Desmond Tutu, will now stand quietly in the corner during cabinet meetings, and will get to rub the board clean when everyone has finished coming up with fucking awful policy-decisions.

He will also be allowed to fetch Mr Cameron biscuits when the serving staff are otherwise occupied, and will be responsible for ensuring the printers and photocopiers at No.10 have plenty of toner and paper.

This will be quite a departure from his previous role as the coalition’s main pantomime villain, during which he has successfully got millions of people to scream loudly at teachers “LOOK OUT! HE’S BEHIND YOU!!! AAAAARRGGHHHHH!!!”

One Westminster source who asked not to be identified as Ken Clarke said “Some people say Gove’s helming of the DfE has been ‘divisive’, but that’s clearly balls. Everyone absolutely hates the fucker. Including Cameron. I heard Dave say that if this doesn’t make the bastard give up politics, we’ll get him to clean out the lavs using only his fat head.

“And you can quote me on that. Only whatever you do, don’t quote me on that. What? You have? Oh shit.”

 

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