Motorists baffled by ‘eerily pleasant’ driving

by philapilus
File:Half-empty motorway - geograph.org.uk - 1140736.jpg

In unrelated news, apparently there’s some sort of football match on tonight or something?

Drivers expressed considerable surprise this evening, after the UK’s roads suddenly became relatively pleasant to use, on a day that – coincidentally – some sort of world sporting event is also happening.

Famed for being packed with speeding vehicles driven by complete arseholes, who show no apparent knowledge of the Highway Code or indeed basic human morality, Britain’s roads and motorways have generally been considered “roughly as pleasant as being given eye-surgery by a rabid badger, using only its teeth.”

But this evening, traffic moved at a relatively safe, almost legal pace, and instead of screaming and threatening one another, road-users passed on the country’s highways with barely more than an unfriendly glare.

Driver Samantha Furcup, who spent Sunday afternoon and evening driving from Birmingham to Exeter, said “I don’t know what the hell is going on.

“I make this commute every Sunday, and back again on the Friday, and therefore I am used to dicing with death twice a week. Any day now I expect to suffer a massive stress-related heart attack, or be murdered in some sort of road-rage shooting.

“But tonight I drove for hours without once seeing my life flash before my eyes. It was extraordinary.”

Police confirmed that the relatively empty roads have been almost massacre-free since lunchtime today, and that the huge dip in speeding fines would create a ‘black hole in the budget’ if people didn’t start driving recklessly again very soon.

Coach-driver Tim Twanks said “I haven’t been cut up or blocked in, no one has made offensive gestures at me, tailgated me or screamed abuse through the window.

“I haven’t seen a single pedestrian mown down, and there are fewer self-righteous cyclists ignoring every single traffic law and swinging wildly in front of me. It’s almost like all the aggressive twats who plague our roads are doing something else tonight.

“I wonder if it will be like this tomorrow?”

 

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