Inquiry into child sex abuse exonerates all past and present MPs

by philapilus

“Probably not that much point actually writing it down, really”

The widely-anticipated inquiry into historical allegations of child sex abuse has found “No evidence of wrongdoing by anyone in public office”, despite not having officially started yet.

The inquiry, which is expected to investigate claims of a paedophile ring in Westminster, and the disappearance of relevant documents passed to the Home Office, was to be announced this afternoon by Theresa May.

But even though as yet it has no chairperson, agenda, or even a defined field of questioning, the Inquiry has produced a 17,000 page dcoument, the Daz Report, completely exonerating everyone.

Government spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “This far-ranging, comprehensive inquiry is going to fulfill all our expectations, and will be a prime example of how government inquiries should be carried out.

“No expense will be spared, a lot of people will spend many years or even decades, asking questions, asking them again, summoning people to give evidence, re-summoning them when the notes get lost, and so on ad infinitum.

“The head of the inquiry will then spend several years writing the interminable and impenetrable report we have here today, which will be summarized for the press and public at large using the catchy catch-all catchphrase, ‘Whiter than white’.

“I would like to offer my congratulations to all those who will get off – I mean, to all those who will be exonerated, and my thanks to all those who will work very hard on this.”

David Cameron said “The Daz Report will go where no inquiry has gone before. No stone will be left unturned. In fact we have worked very hard putting the correct answers under all the stones beforehand, to save time.

“This is government transparency and accountability at its finest.”

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