Chimp communication mostly about football, celebrities and shopping

by philapilus

Thinks Rooney should go, and that Suarez’s biteyness is ‘no big deal’

Scientists say they have managed to translate chimp communication, after cracking the gestural codes the apes use, but with hugely disappointing results.

Research published in Current Biology reveals that most chimp conversation is limited to belligerent arguments about sports, or extensive discussion over what sort of leaves and twigs make the most slimming summer attire.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Simian Speaking, said “I am so depressed. This was my life’s work. Ever since I was a little boy, and saw Doctor Dolittle – the Rex Harrison classic, not that bloody awful Eddie Murphy one – I have wanted to know what animals said to one another.

“But it turns out to be as devoid of interest or meaning as any human conversation.

“Although I suppose at least it’s a bit quieter and more polite.”

The Current Biology article lists a range of gestures and their translations, including something very much like the human ‘Wanker’ gesture, and the extending of the middle finger – both of which mean exactly the same things for chimps as for people.

The only real surprises researchers mention are the “highly detailed understanding chimps showed of football league tables, and a frankly astonishing level of knowledge about affairs between Hollywood celebrities who live many thousands of miles away.”

The scientific community is now divided over whether to bother continuing to study our closest animal relatives, or just to forget the science bit altogether, and start putting them in reality TV shows.

Channel 4 announced this morning that filming has already begun on ‘Cheetah or cheater?’ and ‘I’m an ape get me out of here’.

But chimp Greg Parkins said “Actually some of us have a very sophisticated language, in which we express philosophical ideas the like of which your limited minds could not possibly begin to comprehend.

“We just don’t do it around you, because you’re all dicks.”

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