UK must keep Trident for 1980s re-enactments, say experts

by philapilus

Like a big pretty flower

The Trident Commission has insisted that the UK needs to retain its nuclear capabilities, or face being unable to participate in historical re-enactments of nuclear-apocalypse paranoia.

In its report, the Commission stated “Imagine going to Warwick castle for a day out, and discovering that none of the pretend knights have swords. Or watching a joust where they have to throw blancmange at one another, because they aren’t allowed lances?

“That’s sort of what  it’ll be like if we get rid of Trident.”

The Commission insists that the Bomb is an essential cultural artefact, in need of preservation, for when future generations decide the fear of mutual annihilation should be romanticised and turned into a tourist experience.

The report concludes with the observation that “Even if the only people left in the future are radioactive mutants living short, agonising lives in a wasteland of grey ash, they’re still going to want themeparks.

“How much fun could a family day out at Nuclear World possibly be, if there aren’t any actual live warheads left? Imagine all those disappointed little faces. Won’t somebody please think of the children?”

David Cameron said “Whilst I agree wholeheartedly with the Commission’s findings, I should add that it is incredibly important that we retain our capabilities for defensive purposes as well.

“We must have our 4 submarines with their 3 nuclear warheads apiece, so that when China or Russia launches 5000 nukes against us and wipes these tiny islands off the face of the globe, we can retaliate and maybe knock out a town or two somewhere.

“Unless our missiles get taken out by ground-to-air anti-rocket defence systems.

“But that’s pretty unlikely. I’m sure no aggressive nuclear powers with bigger military budgets than us will have bothered to invest in technology capable of shooting down our 12 antiquated missiles, will they?”


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