Cameron: ‘Man who disagrees with me is worst possible thing for Europe’

by philapilus


Representing the UK like a BOSS

Representing the UK like a BOSS

David Cameron said today that the appointment of Jean-Claude Juncker “is the worst thing to hit Europe since Nazism, and may even be as bad as the Status Quo tour of 1988”.

The Prime Minister rang Juncker this afternoon to congratulate him, but immediately afterwards called a press conference in which he ranted for fifteen minutes about how the European Commission president-designate was “A gaylord, and wanker of the highest order”.

He went on to compare Juncker to the Black Death, Nazism, and even the Unholy entity that is The Quo.

Critics said Cameron’s assault was merely a bid to placate anti-EU Tories, who have accused him of fancying Europe – claims Number 10 flatly denies.

Walking dinosaur Jacob Rees-Mogg said “What Mr Cameron has demnostrated is that, even though he is broadly a good egg, he wants to have sex with Europe in a dirty alley somewhere.

“When a Conservative Prime Minister uses the word ‘Europe’ without copiously vomiting onto an attending lackey’s face, you know that the whole country has gone to pot. See, this is what happens if you introduce television, women in trousers, and books that aren’t written in Latin. I did warn you.”

The EU’s Head of Having to Talk to the UK, Hans Onmycok, said “I do get why you as a nation are so afraid of democratically elected parliaments which are directly and openly accountable to you.

“Given how brilliantly you have been served by your own government, it is no surprise that you fear outside involvement. Your incorruptible politicians, with their exemplary financial probity and impartial championing of the people make for – I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I just can’t keep a straight face anymore.”

Someone who had thought about the whole thing for about a minute said “The Eu is a mess, and needs reforming. The UK is a mess and needs reforming. Everything everywhere is a mess and needs reforming.

“But you don’t do that by engaging in a voluntary shut-in experiment, unless you want to discover just how impoverished and powerless you really are, very fucking quickly. And if you don’t believe me, just wait and see what happens to ‘independent’ Scotland.”

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