TMB’s news catch-up

by philapilus
"How do I keep getting away with this??!!"

“How do I keep getting away with this???!!”

Those of our readers not forced to visit this website as part of a community sentence order will have been sad to note that, due to unforeseen circumstances, the Morning Babel has been offline for the past week.

This has been down to an insurmountable technical hitch, involving difficulties locating a computer’s ‘On’ button. It had absolutely nothing to do with the megalomaniac, benzedrine-hopped editor killing the entire contributing staff in a fit of pique, and then sacrificing the secretary to Mammon.

(Incidentally, the contributing staff have gone on a fantastic, relaxing, team-building trip to Barbados, which is why they remain uncontactable at present.)

Anyway, now that we are back in print, here are some of the stories from the last week which the mainstream press were too afraid to cover, and which we are too lazy to write anything but headlines for:

Farage: ‘The flea that lives in my hair told me to kill’

Reading and writing not worth it, Ofsted advises

Blair “Seriously, do I actually have to rape the Queen before someone will FINALLY put me away?”

Scottish independence question voted most boring thing on Earth

Dimbleby Yewtree connection ‘completely fictitious’ admit police

Kim Kardashian mentioned in headline to make people read unrelated article

Andy Murray’s face ‘colder and stonier than the moon’ confirm top scientists

Harry Potter revelation: books actually written by garden gnome

Surprise ‘Rear of the Year’ award for John Major

5 possibly not a higher number than 4 after all, says maths Nobel laureate

Milibands shoot-out at family ranch, Ed critically injured

Cilla Black to stand for Mayor of London

Christine Coals from Southend survives execution-attempt, as brain is encased in thick rubber membrane

Man reads book

CofE releases ‘Christianity patch’ for people who want the comfort of believing in God, without the harmful and addictive religion habit

Rugby definitively proven better than football

London housing market cannot ever fail, promises Bojo

 

 

 

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