Shock as conservative paper suggests Cameron is better than Miliband

by philapilus

“Even the alphabet is against him, with these ethereal floating letters standing for ‘Conservatives’ll beat ‘im’!” said the Times newspaper

The world of politics was rocked to its very core this morning, after the right-leaning Times newspaper announced that they reckoned the left-leaning leader of the Labour party wouldn’t cut it as Prime Minister.

The Times said that research indicated 53% of people thought ‘Red Ed’ was “a huge twat”, with a further 11% reckoning him to be “a big gaylord”.

Only 23% of people said they would vote for Miliband, according to the Times’ surveys, although the paper stresses “All of those 23% had mental health problems.”

A Times spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “The people have spoken, and what they have said is ‘David Cameron is doing a great job, and we would never vote for googly-eyed Ed. He’s a dick.’ And that was all in their own words, too.”

Ed Balls responded on behalf of the leader of the Labour party, saying “The Times are a bunch of twats. Just let ’em come over here and say that shit to our faces.

Our polls indicate that Ed is currently 67 points ahead of David Cameron, and that 93% of the population would like me to remove George Osborne’s jugular with my bare teeth. So there.”

Mike Ock, of the Institute for Polling, said “The last poll I did showed that 98% of all pollees think you can get polls to say anything you want, by using carefully weighted questions, and a partisan interpretation of statistical results.

“But it was only a poll, so it’s probably bollocks.”

 

 

 

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