Football incredibly boring without shouty man

by philapilus

RIP Phil Neville, 1926-2014, mobbed by a gang of football fans as he hobbled to the shop for a packet of Custard Creams.

Football fans admitted yesterday that ‘the beautiful game’ is actually unbelievably tedious, and virtually unwatchable, without somebody vaguely famous jabbering excitedly throughout the match.

Realisation struck after ex-footballer, Phil Neville, commentated on a game without resorting to hyperbole, yelling, or ejaculating in his pants whilst shouting at players who couldn’t hear him – leaving fans across the country disappointed and bored.

Lorry driver Tim Twanks, who has described himself as ‘football-crazy’ since the age of three, said “I was with the lads down the boozer, getting all drunk and aggressive, ready for a big exciting world cup match.

“And then this voice comes on the screen and describes, in a robotic monotone, what turns out to be a very simple and incredibly dull hour and a half of some men running about a bit on a field and kicking a child’s toy at each other.”

The shuffling neanderthals who make up most the football fan demographic, were so disillusioned that many resorted to personal attacks on Phil Neville.

However, owing to extremely low IQs, and complete technological incompetence, all the assaults were directed against the wrong Phil Neville. Hospitals reported over a hundred cases of people with that name being physically attacked, including several extremely elderly men, a Wonderbra model called Philippa Neville, and a mute quadriplegic, Neville Philipps.

Samantha Furcup, one of football’s outnumbered female fans, said “I’m actually grateful to Neville for showing me how rubbish it all is, thus saving me from wasting weeks of my life.

“Even the players aren’t that interested; hardly any of them bothered to bend down and pick up the ball, they just tap it with their feet. And after 45 minutes they all walked off, and it took about half an hour before they could be coaxed on to finish the game.

“I think what it is, is that the shouty men who talk all the way through it have, for decades, successfully disguised the fact that this is actually, quite literally, utter balls.”


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