Backlogged FSA warns against chicken-washing and out-of-date spam-fritters

by philapilus

The Food Standards Agency has finally cleared enough of its backlog to get as far as making safety recommendations relevant to the kitchen practises of the 1950s.

“If you see flies all over it, that just proves how healthy it is. Otherwise the buggers wouldn’t be eating it, would they?”

Jim Schwartz, senior food wrangler at the FSA said “We’ve mostly been publicising the various ‘Dig For Victory’ recommendations over the last few years, but we’re onto a new decade, and we’ll be bringing you all the up-to-date food information that the 1950s has to offer.

“This week we’re warning that chicken-washing is unhygienic, and also suggesting that leaving your spam fritters out on a hot windowsill for a week might impair the taste, or even give you a poorly tummy.

“We’re also releasing two bulletins offering proactive nutritional advice; ‘Why sausages make for a healthy heart’ and ‘Fifty steps to weight-loss using lard and margarine’.”

But the FSA has also come under fire today, for promoting a new abattoir practise, whereby pig carcasses are just glanced at by inspectors, instead of cut open and thoroughly checked for disease.

Meat inspector Bill Le Bouef said “I have been inspecting abattoirs for forty years. If you cut a carcass open you can check the inside for what we technically call ‘manky bits’.

“I tried to explain this to the FSA, but when I mentioned harmful bacteria, they stared at me like I’d gone cuckoo and said ‘Do you honestly expect us to believe in little invisible monsters, running around inside a dead pig?! Pull the other one! Next you’ll be telling us asbestos isn’t safe!'”

Le Boeuf shook his head and added “See, this is why I am a vegetarian.”

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