Bank of England ‘puzzled’ by how lazy you are

by philapilus

21st century ennui: even the animal kingdom can’t be arsed anymore

The Bank of England says it is puzzled about why British people spend so much of their time at work playing Freecell, making coffee, or self-abusing in the toilets.

Governor Mark Carney said “Productivity is still below pre-recession levels. Loads of you are in employment, but you appear to be doing – how can I put this? – sod all.

“Why does no one in this country believe in hard work?”

Key figures of the British Chamber of Commerce prepared a reply to Mr Carney, about how diminished demand and over-employment reduced apparent productivity levels, but then none of them could be bothered to write it down, so they went and played golf instead.

The Bank of England estimates that of the 8 or so ‘working’ hours per day, “only about 25 minutes are actually productive; partly because of endless online distractions, but mostly because you hate your employers so much that you want their business to fail.”

But some commentators pointed out that averaging productivity did not take account of widely varying workloads.

Tim Twanks, workflow analyst, said “Whilst people like bricklayers, nurses and teachers have absolutely shitloads to do, other people, such as the Mayor of London, top bankers and MPs, seem to treat work as a place to have a bit of a snooze between a boozy lunch and fucking off home around 3pm.”

A former colleague of Mr Carney’s from the Bank of Canada, John Rivest, added “I don’t know why Mark thinks this is a specific UK problem.

“I spend about 90% of every day in the toilets, whacking myself about something chronic, and unspooling and stealing the loo-roll, because I’m a cheapskate.

“And the rest of the time I am so shit at my job that it would be better if I just stayed in the cubicle anyway.

“No one in the developed world does any work anymore. We’re all absolute morons.”

 

 

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