Archive for June 16th, 2014

June 16, 2014

Brazil 2014 shock: England supporter thinks Italy shouldn’t have won

by philapilus

“And, right, did you notice how every time the Italians kicked the ball it went a bit further and was more accurate? Remote-controlled, mate. Bloody cheats.”

An England fan has caused a stir this morning, after claiming that Italy definitely didn’t deserve victory on Saturday, adding “We were totally robbed. I blame the ref, and the cheating Eyeties!”

Italy beat England 2:1 by virtue of being a better team, playing better, and scoring more goals.

But the England fan disputed the loss, and monologued for about half an hour on all the things Roy Hodgson should have done differently, including crushing Wayne Rooney’s thick skull with a sledgehammer instead of letting him play.

Footballologist, Tim Buttox, said “It is

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June 16, 2014

Bank of England ‘puzzled’ by how lazy you are

by philapilus

21st century ennui: even the animal kingdom can’t be arsed anymore

The Bank of England says it is puzzled about why British people spend so much of their time at work playing Freecell, making coffee, or self-abusing in the toilets.

Governor Mark Carney said “Productivity is still below pre-recession levels. Loads of you are in employment, but you appear to be doing – how can I put this? – sod all.

“Why does no one in this country believe in hard work?”

Key figures of the British Chamber of Commerce prepared a reply to Mr Carney, about how diminished demand and over-employment reduced apparent productivity levels, but then none of them could be bothered to write it down, so they

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June 16, 2014

‘Best Dad Ever’ not a real thing

by philapilus
Present Containers with regard to Children Help to make Excellent Presents for just about any Event

“In retrospect, the fact this was clearly a generic, poorly-printed card, not a bespoke piece of hand-crafted calligraphic art, should have aroused my suspicions sooner”

Thousands of fathers across the country went to work this morning, proudly bearing ‘World’s Best Dad’ mugs and plastic statuettes, only to find that all the other dads had them too.

Mike Ock, father of three, said “I got into the office, made a coffee in my new ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug, turned around, and Bob was pouring tea into an identical mug.

“We stared at each other in shock, suspicion, and growing resentment – but then bonded over a shared loathing of our deceitful little bastard kids.

“Bob also had a ‘Best Dad EVER’ tie, which was

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