Faces evolved to encourage punching, says study

by philapilus

Didn’t send passive aggressive emails about the office windows being left open, and you don’t particularly want to punch him; coincidence?

New research, founded on careful analysis of the fossil record, claims that as humans became wilier, nastier, and more vindictive, so their faces evolved to be ever more inviting to fists.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Centre for Anthropolgy and Punching, said “Early hominids were hulking simpletons. They’d take your arm off if you had food they wanted, but it wasn’t really malicious.

“They had big faces that you wouldn’t want to hit because you would break every bone in your hand.”

But, Professor McEyebrau claims, as people evolved into mentally agile creatures, capable of spite, meanness, and the invention of call-centres, their face-structure changed correspondingly.

McEyebrau said “Now that we’re a bunch of properly deceitful, cruel, shifty little bastards, everyone has the kind of face you want to pummel for hour after bone-crushing hour. Even just talking to you right now is making my fists itch.”

The study involved using complicated mathematical algorithms to track the evolution of facial structures, and has even enabled researchers to map the face humanity will have in the future.

Dr Faye Sake said “Facial features are going to become more and more uniform, as the base level of being-a-big-bastard gets higher and higher.

“Eventually everyone will have the same face; a face so full of petty malice, indifference, stupidity, and sheer unadulterated fuckwittery, that you want to pound it till your knuckles bleed.

“To be honest it’s nothing we hadn’t already suspected,” said Dr Sake, “Basically, we are all going to look exactly like Michael Gove.”

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: