Nigel Farage delighted with not winning Newark

by philapilus
2nd Place Ribbon by cross37 - A basic 2nd place award ribbon

“Yay! We won!”

Nigel Farage last night expressed his delight at UKIP’s coming second in the Newark by-election, and claimed “I think you’ll find we never wanted to win anyway.”

Mr Farage initially denied having ever indicated UKIP would win outright, then agreed he had said it but insisted he was talking about a different place called Newark, then denied it again, then finally said that whilst he had said it, if you listened carefully, it was clear he hadn’t meant it in the way it sounded.

He went on to explain that he was very tired.

“When I said we would win Newark, obviously what I meant was that the Conservatives would win the actual seat, but that we would win in a more fundamental way,” said Farage “which, whilst being a bit invisible, is also actually more important than the tangible victory which people thought the Conservatives gained.”

“It’s a bit hard to explain, now that I find myself saying the words out loud, but basically what we’re saying is; everything that happened is an endorsement of me.

“It made a lot more sense in my head, honestly. Hang on, has anyone got a bit of paper? I’m going to try writing this down…”

The winning Conservative candidate, Robert Jenrick, said “Nyur-nyur-ne-nyur-nyur! Hahaha! Fuck Labour, and fuck UKIP! Losers!”

He proceeded to blow raspberries into the microphone for about seventeen minutes.

David Watts, the Liberal Democrat candidate who lost his deposit after coming 6th – with just one and a half votes – wiped away tears and said “We’re delighted with this result.

“What it shows is that coalition government has strengthened our position so much that people don’t even realise we’re Liberal Democrats. They think they’re voting for us, when actually they’re ticking the Conservative box, by mistake.

“Whilst agreeing with our policies, and not the Tory ones, obviously. So actually, if you think about it, I sort of won in Newark after all.”

Brightening up considerably, Watts added “Maybe Robert will let me sit under his desk in meetings, and give me some papers to shuffle so I feel important too.”

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