Roy Hodgson sends Stephen Hawking proposal for complete theory of the universe

by philapilus

“For-God’s-Sake-Is-The-Referee-Blind-Or-Something?”

Following Professor Stephen Hawking’s comprehensive predictions of exactly how and why England will lose the 2014 World Cup, Roy Hodgson has reciprocated by offering Hawking a Grand Theory of Everything.

Hodgson’s theory has brought together the disparate strands of modern physics, and, if correct, will revolutionise human understanding.

The England manager hypothesises that “The multiverse can best be understood as something like a tube of Smarties, with the logo accidentally printed on the inside, which has been emptied by a playful kitten, and then stretched out with a medieval torture rack, before being scrunched up by an angry Northern housewife, and then shaped into a frog by an origami expert from Merthyr Tydfil.”

Professor Hawking said “I have been studying this with a team of international experts, and so far it all makes sense: Smarties, yes; kitten, yes; origami frog, yes yes yes. Looks like he might actually have cracked it. It’s all so obvious when you finally see it. On behalf of humanity, thank you Roy.”

Hodgson said today “It was the least I could do really. The vast disappointment that the nation undergoes ritually every four years will, I hope, be mitigated by the knowledge of exactly how it’s going to happen this time around.”

Hawking’s predictions use complex mathematical formulae to predict the way in which England will once again be destroyed by far better teams.

As a bonus, the professor has calculated how boorish 98% of British men will be for the next few months, and the ridiculous accusations which will be hurled at Steven Gerrard and Roy Hodgson by fat, inebriated, armchair pundits, convinced they know better.

Hawking admitted however he has not worked out how much alcohol Britain will drink, saying “That would require a whole new branch of mathematics.”

 

 

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