Pedestrian covers self in cameras to catch out “bastard cyclists”

by philapilus

Universally recognised as the best people ever

After the success of self-appointed superhero-cyclist ‘Traffic Droid’ in capturing footage of bad drivers, a new pedestrian superhero has begun a campaign against “idiots on bikes”.

‘The Footman’, aka Tim Twanks, an unemployed cat-neuterer from Catford, said “It is my mission to bring to justice – or at least severely annoy – the legion of complete arsehole cyclists plaguing London’s streets.”

The Footman said he had been inspired by Traffic Droid’s “insufferable self-righteousness” to film every cyclist he saw going through red lights, failing to stop at ‘Stop’ signs, cycling on the pavement, riding without safety gear, lights or reflectors “and other assorted fuckwittery.”

Footman said “My life was miserable. Lacking purpose, friends, a girlfriend or any self-esteem, I came near to ending it all.

“Then I thought; what if there’s a higher calling for me? A way of hounding a very specific group of road-users, emphasising the singular dangers they pose and ignoring evidence of wrong-doing by anyone else?

“And whilst I was thinking this, I got hit by three drunk kids on a bike. It was my Batman moment.”

Twanks set to work, gluing cameras onto his clothes, ignoring shouts from onlookers that he looked “like a total twat”.

Undeterred, he set to work, and within the first 3 days of his self-imposed patrolling, filmed 4392 complete cretins behaving moronically on bicycles.

He has so far handed over 200 hours of unsolicited footage to the police.

PC McGarry No.452 of the Met’s transport division said “Of course, we welcome assistance from citizenry. Well, I say that, but actually we don’t.

“The fact is that over 86% of road users are dangerous morons, whether they drive cars, cycle, roller-skate, or do that thing motorbikes do, when they ride on the wrong side of the central markings so they can overtake everyone, whilst forcing oncoming drivers to swerve violently and mow down pedestrians.

“Honestly, none of you should even be allowed to walk fast.

“Now fuck off, and keep your petty, axe-grinding home videos to yourselves. Wankers.”

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