All court evidence to be delivered “through the medium of song”

by philapilus
File:Kazoo.jpg

“The Defence calls for a kazoo, m’lud…”

After Rolf Harris surprised jurors in his sex abuse trial yesterday with renditions of his musical hits, the High Court has ruled that in future all evidence is to be given through song.

Judge Dreydd, Lord Chief Justice of England and Wales, said “I don’t know if Rolf’s guilty or not, but it’s the first time I’ve ever seen a jury stay awake for the whole session.

“From now on it is going to be mandatory for all witnesses and defendants to communicate solely through song – although they will be allowed to accompany themselves on wobble-board, spoons, or the kazoo.

“Anyone who attempts to rap, however, will be taken outside and hanged. If there is one thing the British judiciary will not tolerate it is youth culture. Well, that and black people.”

Rolf Harris is the latest in a long line of people you liked as a child, who are now being accused of terrible things, allowing Britons to claim that their childhood “is now ruined”. Presumably because they did nothing but watch TV all day.

Judge Dreydd said “Some people are questioning whether I have the power to turn the judicial process into what is essentially a musical talent show. The answer is ‘I don’t know’.

“But are you going to risk not singing, knowing that that is what we now expect? Thought not. Get practising.”

Meanwhile tabloid hacks across the country are desperately praying for Rolf to be guilty of abusing young girls, so that they can roll out prepared headlines such as “Can you tell if it’s in yet?” and “I’m Jake the Peg diddle-iddle-iddle-dum, feel my ‘extra leg’, diddle-iddle-iddle-um…”

Honestly. Just wait and see. It’s going to be so fucking depressing.

 

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