‘Critics are best thing ever’ say critics

by philapilus
File:Pavarotti - Sutherland 1976.jpg

Like something from a Ken Loach film

Cultural commentators of all stripes have joined together in robustly defending the gallant assault some music critics made on a young opera singer’s looks.

The Daily Telegraph’s Rupert Christiansen was amongst those who were unfairly pilloried, after pointing out that Tara Erraught’s “dumpy stature” somehow didn’t sound right.

But he and many other critics have today published a riposte, in the form of an open letter, on the subject of ‘Why critics are beyond criticism’.

They explain that “This fatty-fatty-fatso was just too dumpy to be believable as Count Octavian. An opera has to be believable, that’s the single most important thing about it!

“Who on Earth would go to the opera, if the heavily made-up people singing at one another at the top of their voices, were not completely believable as representing the seamless flow of gritty reality?

“Not us, that’s for sure!”

The letter defends the right of critics not to be criticized, and goes on to explain that “Only the very cream of humanity can rise to the exalted level of critic.

“This is true whether the criticism in question is of art, literature, music – or even that highest of all human endeavours; the criticism of food, which once ingested will turn into poo within a couple of hours.

“Those who cannot quite reach these rarefied levels of brilliance, are destined to be humanity’s second-bests; the musicians, painters, writers, and so forth, who provide the raw materials for us to practise our most elevated of callings upon.

“If we say someone is too fat, too dumpy, too Jewish or too black to perform opera as it is meant to be sung, then you should accept it, and bloody well like it too.”

A post-script, written specifically by those signatories who were film critics went on to say “And furthermore, we’re going to continue to judge comic-book films on the basis of criteria that are specifically opposed to the criteria the film-makers had in mind.

“This has nothing to do with the fact that our film scripts have all been rejected on multiple occasions; it is purely to show how clever we are.

“It’s not bitterness; it’s betterness.”






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