Cats ‘high all the time’

by philapilus

Not high?

A study in New Zealand has revealed that the erratic behaviour of cats can be attributed to their near-continual use of drugs.

After cat, Samantha Furcup, was caught by her owner bringing home cannabis, the NZ police force launched a public awareness campaign, based on the work of a Professor Hamish McEyebrau.

McEyebrau claims that cats’ characteristic lethargy, blinkered selfishness, extreme dependence on and exploitation of family members, and bouts of batshit mad psychotic aggression, are all down to the constant use of a whole cocktail of drugs, by every moggy in existence.

Police chief Mike Ock said “You know how your cat disappears for ages at a time, craves food at odd times of day, will swing wildly between nervous frailty and bolshy violence? You know who else does that? Drug addicts.”

But Samantha Furcup insists that this is “Absolute bollocks. The cannabis I was ‘caught’ with had been planted on me by a dog. I thought it was tarragon, and bought it unintentionally from Rover down the street. Fucking son of a bitch. Literally.

“We cats are not perpetual addicts, and we consider Professor McEyebrau’s report libellous.

“I suppose it never occurred to any of you to enquire quite why dogs are so keen to work as sniffers? You just ask the police how they’re getting remunerated, man, just ask how they’re getting paid…”


%d bloggers like this: