Russell Brand combs hair, dons dress, wins Eurovision

by philapilus
THIS IS NOT NEWS

THIS IS NOT NEWS

Russell Brand said this morning that he was delighted with his victory at Eurovision 2014, and that his win was “A win for, like, all the peeps wot are well nice to each ovver, an’ don’t get in like an argy-bargy over nuffink!”

Brand described the huge difficulty of combing his hair for the contest, an operation which took twelve hairdressers over 36 hours to complete.

“But it was well worf it, eh?” Brand said, adding “And, Austria, like, I’m not bein’ argumental or anyfing, but they said me having a go at Andrew Sachs was the funniest thing wot ever happened. That’s how come I sing for them and not for the fussy old UK, innit?”

People unencumbered by large, unwieldy intellects said that a drag act winning a contest of brash music proved Europe must be the most loving, tolerant place on Earth. Many called for everyone who watched Saturday’s show to be given the Nobel Peace Prize.

But some critics averred that a music evening for morons, watched by morons, and voted for by paranoid, nepotistic and corrupt morons, might not be the best test ever of the heights of human achievement.

Lorry driver and karaoke enthusiast, Martin Conway, said “Every week I do karaoke, and the bar is full of fellas dressed as chicks. It’s great, chilled out, hilarious, and about a thousand times less likely to result in violence than an evening in the local boozer watching footie.

“This is not news.”

Other noteworthy moments of 2014’s contest included the annexation of the Ukrainian singer, Mariya Yaremchek, by the Russian Tolmachevy twins. After being forced off stage momentarily, Yaremchek – draped in a Russian flag and severely bruised – was then frogmarched back on, and subsequently spent the rest of her slot reading out a list of things about Russia that were just brilliant.

UK act Molly performed a duet of the Hokey Cokey song with Nigel Farage, but disaster struck when they got to the “In-Out, In-Out…” bit, as Farage wandered off into the crowd and started insulting people at random.

Ancient Irishman and former Eurovision commentator, Terry Wogan, said “Well begad and begorrah! Hello there folks, it’s me, Tel off the telly! Or Wogan off the Wadio, as my young fwiend Jonathan Woss would say! What’s all this, a fella in a skirt won? This is what happens if you let Graham Norton commentate! At least it wasn’t a ni-”

At which point the BBC just gave up.

 

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