Non-Halal chickens slaughtered in five-star luxury

by philapilus
Absolutely furious it wasn't killed in accordance with its sacred Jedi principles

Absolutely furious it wasn’t killed in accordance with its sacred Jedi principles

Several animal welfare groups claimed today that”Decent, neo-liberal Western abattoir methods are infinitely preferable to the decadent barbaric process of Halal slaughter.”

The comments come after questions about the labelling of meat suddenly became the third most important thing in the country – a furore stemming from the fact that some animals slaughtered according to Halal principles have packaging which neglects to mention this.

Brittany Wurstlove, of pressure group ‘Treat ’em Nice, Then Cleave and Dice’, said “It is positively immoral that live animals are having their throats cut because of some towel-head mumbo jumbo, instead of being ripped apart by the razor-clawed hands of decent, atheistic abattoir robots.

“If you were a poor little chicken, beakless, footless, spending your whole life being fattened-up in a tiny cage, wouldn’t you want to know that your death wasn‘t going to be orchestrated according to some dark heathen ritual-bollocks?

“I would rather my end came in a humane, advanced, blood-spattered mechanised way. And I think if you really thought hard about it, you would too.”

Confusion and arguments about the religious aspects of killing millions of creatures and mincing them up, have led to a proliferation of calls for legislation from various faith-groups.

The only common-ground so far is that everyone is demanding meat-labelling should, in future, indicate not only how an animal was killed, but what its professed religious beliefs were, and the religious beliefs of the person who cut out its still-warm, slithering intestines.

The matter was brought to the attention of the Prime Minister today, but according to No. 10 sources, David Cameron just shrugged, said ‘WhatEVS’, and continued buttering up the backside of a poor person.

“You have to understand,” said an aide to Mr Cameron, “he doesn’t eat things like chicken and lamb. As one of the upper class, David enjoys rare meats from animals you’ve never heard of, like the bovasphinx and the unigriffon.

“But seriously, chickens don’t care how they die; they’d just rather it didn’t happen. Can’t you just all gorge your stupid fat faces however you want and leave each other alone? Now fuck off.”

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