Clegg instructs Lib Dems to shout for help from the rooftops

by philapilus

No longer the party of the ‘protest vote’, they’re more about the ‘throwaway vote’ now

Nick Clegg has urged supporters and party members to run about wildly, waving their arms and screaming for help.

At the launch of the party’s campaign for the forthcoming local elections, the Lib Dem leader said “The time for complacency is over. We need to get out there, amongst the British people, and shout from the rooftops; ‘Help! We don’t know what we’re doing! Put us out of our misery, before we make things even worse!’

“We are no longer just the protest vote. Somehow, despite losing an election, we transmogrified into a party with a disproportionate amount of power in a coalition government, and we need to use that position as a springboard to talk about our deepest convictions.

“Convictions like our firm belief that election promises are actually works of literary fiction. Or my rooted fear that I’ll get confused and end up whoring myself to another party again, or that the rest of the Cabinet will come into my room in the night and beat me with bars of soap wrapped in towels. Again.”

Clegg spoke to an audience of bewildered, frightened activists and candidates in the Ministry of Sound nightclub, a venue chosen because it was the one place they could be sure no one would ever go.

The deputy prime minister has spent much of the last month hiding out in alleyways and safehouses, running from Nigel Farage, who has been cruising around looking for him ever since first tasting Clegg’s blood after destroying him in the TV debates.

During this time he has met and spoken to many grass-roots Lib Dem members, who also spend all their time hiding out in alleyways and safehouses, weeping and rocking back and forth.

But as the Lib Dems are now way behind UKIP in the polls, even their Tory allies are no longer supporting them.

Conservative party chairman Grant Shapps said “What we want is a coalition partner who can contribute to what England has to offer. A bit more than an ‘ot dog. Know whadday mean? The Lib Dems? I’ve shit ’em.”




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