Clarkson: “Top Gear should be more like Pimp My Ride”

by philapilus

But he always seemed like such a fair-minded, thoughtful sort of chap

Jeremy Clarkson has defended his use of the N-word in un-aired Top Gear footage as “Part of my strategy to appeal to the more ‘streetwise’ youth demographic.”

Clarkson had initially denied using the word, but later admitted it and apologised, whilst insisting he had “done everything a human being could possibly do to avoid using it, short of ripping off my head and shitting down my own neck-hole.

“Seriously, it was physically and mentally impossible for me not to use the word, and I should not be judged for it now.”

But this morning, Clarkson again changed his story, saying “I’ve always been about The Street, y’all. If I say N***az it’s cos I’m talking about my bloods, innit?

“I needs to make sure that I’m representing for all my homeys out there, who wanna pimp their autos up, be it old skool, nu skool, or straight-up, punk-ass gangsta stylee.

“Top Gear needs to be all about bloods driving big cars to represent their big dicks, with bitches in the back.”

He added “Whilst of course retaining its core values of decimating roadside wildlife, pointing out the hilarious shortcomings of various ethnic minorities, and encouraging you to see your car as a place to house and amplify all your misogynistic desires.”

Clarkson has insisted that this is his final word on the matter, until at least tomorrow, when whatever new version of events he has cooked up will be revealed as definitively true. Temporarily.

Until Sunday.

BBC spokesperson, Percy Spoke said “Jeremy will categorically not receive any special preferential treatment just because he presents one of our flagship programmes. We will be scrutinising his actions and these allegations intently.

“And if we find that he has indeed used a racist term in a racist way, he will receive exactly the same treatment as any other eminent BBC figure guilty of wrongdoing would.

“A big promotion, and the suppression of any dark personal secrets until after his death.”

 

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