US introduces new ‘nearly capital punishment’ sentence

by philapilus

Now just makes a really annoying buzzing sound until your brain gives up out of desperation

Courts throughout the United States have been given the go-ahead to hand down ‘not quite death’ sentences, after a successful trial run yesterday, with Oklahoman prisoner Clayton Lockett.

Lockett eventually had a heart attack, after a lethal injection nearly – but crucially not quite – killed him.

The new sentence, known as ‘nearly capital’ or ‘not quite death’, has been brought in to act “as even more of a deterrent than the existing deterrent of just killing people.”

Senator Randy Bumfukowizc, who pushed through the legislation, said “Capital punishment is now, has always been, will remain, is going to be, and has always – hang on, I’m getting lost.

“Capital punishment is the best deterrent. End of. Period. I could go on.

“But with ‘nearly capital’ punishment, we basically sentence someone to be mucked about with until their body just gives up and dies of its own accord. Something to make the end even more unpleasant. So now the best deterrent has been besterred by… um, I mean, there’s a new best…we have two brilliant deterrents. End of. Period.”

But some whiny liberal opponents of capital punishment have suggested that considerable ethical quandaries remain unsolved, and raised the interesting question of why, after his failure to die immediately, Lockett’s body was screened off from witnesses.

Woody Dikks said “So, capital punishment is good, but not if he suffers? Or it’s good if he suffers, but we shouldn’t watch? Or capital punishment only needs to be witnessed if it’s done really well? Which is it? I’m confused.

Sophie Ollergy, a criminal sociologist, said “It’s not that I’m on the side of death row prisoners. Fuck ’em. Most of them are doubtless utter cunts.

“But you sort of have to ask how good capital punishment can be as a deterrent, when this country has the highest incarceration rate in the world.

“And the supposedly professional, clinical system of administering death is also a bit undermined when you can’t competently kill one restrained person.

“It’s almost as if, rather than being a moralistic and clinical method of eradicating intolerable deviance, capital punishment is some sort of, oh I don’t know, poorly thought-out relic from the moral Stone Age, perhaps.”

 

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