Fans ‘delighted’ as Jessica Tandy and Thora Hird confirm Star Wars VII appearances

by philapilus

“The Mos Eisley Old Folks Home; you will never find a more wretched hive of arthritics and anachronistic witterers.”

Legions of Sci-Fi fans were delirious this morning, as it was confirmed that yet more extremely elderly thespians had accepted parts in the forthcoming Star Wars film.

Yesterday’s announcement that Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher will reprise their roles as Han, Luke and Leia, had already wowed the franchise’s most die-hard addicts, but even more geriatric-joy was to come.

Announcing the line-up today, director JJ Abrams said “I really want to show that this franchise is growing, and becoming more mature.

“It’s great to have some of the original cast return, but I just felt that they still weren’t quite old enough, so we’ve been working hard for months to get an on-set average age of about 91.

“We will be re-animating the cryogenically frozen bodies of several famously mature stars, including Jessica Tandy, and that guy from the Straight Story.

“They’ll have a couple of days re-orientation, you know, ‘this is a mobile phone’ and ‘yes, war with Russia still might break out any minute’, and then they’ll go back to doing what they do best. Shuffling slowly around on our screens.”

Abrams confirmed that a thawed-out Jack Palance will be playing the young, go-getting grandson of Han Solo, making witty ripostes, and doing one-armed push ups on his pimped-up Zimmer frame, as well as mercilessly executing every descendant and distant relative of Greedo.

“Of course, we have to have an evil Brit,” said Abrams, “so we’ve cast legendary actress Dame Thora Hird as the evil Sith antagonist, Darth Pegden – whose dark secret is she was begotten of a shameful, incestuous union between Luke and Leia.

Hird, who was interred in a Stannah Stairlift robot-prostheses moments before death, will not even need a costume, and the film’s design team said they can simply spray-paint her already cyborgised parts black.

Tim Twanks, an unemployed, 32-stone, self-described Jedi Knight, said “Hird, Tandy and Fisher?! Wow! Gilf alert!!

“If one of them wears the golden bikini, I might actually mess my shorts right there in the cinema. My nightsaber is fully extended just thinking about it!”

Of the news that Andy Serkis will also star, JJ Abrams said “It began as a drunken prank, but now he’s signed the contract and we can’t do anything about it. We’re so sorry. “

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