George Clooney’s marriage ‘to make everything OK’

by philapilus

“It’s OK Barry, everything will be fine from now on”

It was revealed this morning that the small remainder of the world’s problems that weren’t solved by the visit of Prince George to New Zealand and Australia, will be handily mopped up by the news that George Clooney is banging some lawyer.

All news of the crisis in Ukraine, the devastating tornadoes in America, and the escalating hostilities between North and South Korea, dried up completely, as George Clooney’s relationship healed the world like a great big sticking plaster, and a kiss on the hurty bit from your mum.

Clooney’s agent, Vic Smarm, said “After weeks of nearly everything being brilliant because a baby visited Earth’s antipodean bits, I’m proud to announce that the world is finally going to be completely brilliant.

“Even whatever it is that is going on in Africa will be OK, and that’s saying a lot, cos there’s always some completely mental shit going down over there. But George and Amal are going to have a really big wedding! Go team Clooney!”

Meanwhile, the mayor of Kharkiv, Hennadiy Kernes, who is fighting for his life in hospital after being shot this morning, briefly regained consciousness on the operating table, and said “I must know; is he going to marry that British chick?”

Pope Francis, emerging fresh from canonising Popes John XXIII and John Paul II, said “Really? He’s engaged to Amal Alamuddin? Excellent!

“I haven’t put any of the stuff away yet, so we’ll Saintify George Clooney immediately. This is the best news I’ve had since Benedict fucked off.”

 

 

 

 

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