Cornish people granted Endangered Species status

by philapilus
The species is also threatened because heavy deforestation has all but destroyed the plant which provides its only food source; the pasty tree

The species is also threatened because heavy deforestation has all but destroyed the plant which provides its only food source; the pasty tree

The International Union for the Conservation of Nature has granted the Cornish the status of ‘Endangered Species’, just one step down from ‘Critically Endangered’, in a bid to prevent the extinction of the entire native population of Cornwall.

Dr Yaka T Yak of the IUCN said “The Cornish is a pleasant, gentle animal – a bit simple, yes, I’ll grant you, but you can feed one from the palm of your hand the very first time you meet it. Unlike the Geordie for instance, which would take your arm off at the shoulder with its foul, pestilent fangs.”

Dr Yak continued “The Cornish makes a pleasing babbling sound, which no one has ever managed to interpret, but they are showing evidence of becoming tool-using mammals, after similarly underevolved primates from Devonshire taught them how to roll round things along the ground.

“Yet sadly this amiable creature has fallen onto our endangered list, after much of its habitat was taken over by callous property investors, emboldened by such corporate propaganda tracts as the BBC’s ‘Escape to the Country’, driving the local wildlife out. Not to mention Rick bloody Stein.

“Furthermore, each summer, an area of Cornwall the size of the moon is destroyed by hundreds of thousands of pink, sweaty Brits from other parts of the UK, who pour through the once beautiful St Ives like turds through a sewer.

“If we don’t act now to save the Cornish, and related species like the Devonish, it won’t be long before the whole of the beautiful South-West of England is just another over-developed urban wasteland, peopled with shuffling, dead-eyed office drones. Just like London.”

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