Nation confused about Moyes’ sacking

by philapilus
Normally massively fucking up just results in being sent to the seats at the back of the class for a bit

Normally even fucking up COMPLETELY just results in being sent to the seats at the back of the class for a bit

After a brief tenure as Manchester United manager, during which the club’s fortunes plummeted, David Moyes has been sacked – much to the incomprehension of many Britons.

Banker Mike Ock said “So, Man U has performed terribly, they’re making regular sporting losses, the company’s value on the stock market has fallen; fine, I get all that – but why are they sacking him? It makes no sense. Shouldn’t he be getting some sort of massive bonus?”

Senior Civil Servant Sir Lesley Fanshawe-Haines-Haines added “As I understand it, the club has gone from being at the top of the premiership league to somewhere way down below the Maidenhead Magpies. But surely Moyes should at least be offered a massive Golden Handshake, and given a higher paid job in another department while everyone pretends it’s just a planned restructure?

“Just giving him the Golden Handshake makes it look like they’re saying publicly that they don’t want him.”

Part of the confusion, experts say, stems from the fact that, as a nation, the British are used to incompetents being remunerated and rewarded significantly better than people who actually know what they are talking about.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Stupid, said “If we are going to introduce the notion that people’s employment depends on merit and can be terminated in cases of poor performance, then we are going to have to make immediate massive redundancies.

“I think pretty much the whole of the civil service, the entire banking sector, both Houses of Parliament, British industry, the NHS and the entire aristocracy will have to be got rid of overnight.

“There will only be about forty people left in employment throughout the entirety of the UK. Which, as they are the only forty people doing any worthwhile work anyway, won’t affect the country’s productivity much, but even Labour are going to get tetchy about the length of the dole queue.”

Former Man Utd manager, Sir Alex Ferguson, said “Piss off and stop asking me to sort it out, will you? I never even liked football anyway. I only took the job because my mismanagement of a coalpit resulted in the deaths of 358 miners, and accepting being ‘restructured’ as a football club manager seemed better than going to prison.

“How wrong I was.”

 

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