Cyberthieves commit suicide after reading through Mumsnet data

by philapilus

Police have confirmed that Heartbleed hackers have been killing themselves in droves, after actually reading some of the data they stole from the Mumsnet website’s sorority.

About to unleash hell on another member who thinks disposable nappies are a bad idea

A suicide note left by super-hacker, Hackassassin, said “I am a 32-stone, unemployed, X-Box addict. Dark cycnicism, and engaging in online squabbles about Game of Thrones and Titanfall have been my stock in trade, and subsequently I have suffered from nihilistic, self-loathing depression all my life.

“But it wasn’t until I read through the Mumsnet messages that I truly knew existential despair. Goodbye, cruel world.”

Mumsnet founder, Wendy Nailinthehead, denied that the website’s community were a bunch of shrill egoists, saying “We have been called the world’s most neurotic, shrieking bunch of misanthropic simpletons – but that’s just men for you. Men. BOO MEN! BOOOO!”

Samantha Furcup, a mother who doesn’t spend her time moaning online, said “I can understand why, if you had hacked Mumsnet hoping for valuable data, and instead ended up with reams of whitterings, you would be on the brink of suicidal despair.

“Not that Mumsnet is any worse than any other massive group of humans united by a lowest common denominator. Look at the people in the Countryside Alliance, the Labour movement, UKip or Scotland. Absolute arses to a man or woman.

“But for parity, if we’re going to consign Mumsnet’s users to the intellectual dustbin, we really also need to put down anyone who has ever been in the audience for Top Gear.

“Only then can we move forward as a country where people can think without moving their lips.”

 

 

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