Clarkson and Titchmarsh to fight to the death

by philapilus

In what promises to be the least interesting cagefight of all time, the smugly bland/blandly smug multi-platform merchandising whore and occasional gardener, Alan Titchmarsh, is to take on bloated masturbator and vroom-vroom fanatic Jeremy Clarkson.

Burying his last victim in front of cheering fans

Clarkson, who holds obnoxious opinions for money, called out the gardening fraternity for not attempting to sodomise cars up the exhaust pipe, saying “They think a hobby is something to spend time and effort on, whilst hugging plants like a big bunch of hippies.

“The only good use of your time is sitting back, switching on the TV, and watching me drive fast cars, with your hand stuck down the front of your pants.”

Alan Titchmarsh responded acerbically, by unveiling several new product-lines, and simultaneously calling Clarkson “A big-faced twat, whose monstrously ugly head should be used to clean the u-bends in sewage pipes – which would definitely improve how it looks.”

Promoter Randy Bumfukowizc said “On paper this looks deceptively exciting. Clarkson is likely to try and run Titchmarsh over, with something fast, but also manouverable, and with a small enough turning circle so’s it won’t be hampered by the confines of a relatively small cage.

“But what Jeremy needs to remember, however, is that Alan is a dab-hand with edged gardening tools. Remember how he butchered Geoff Hamilton in ’96, to take over Gardener’s World?

“But then again, what we all need to remember is that this is just two, very boring, late middle-aged TV presenters, arguing about who’s got the best hobby. It’ll be like reading the comments on a Youtube video.

“In all likelihood they’ll just bore each other to death in the ring, but no one will notice because the audience will all have been asphyxiated by their own esophagal tracts out of sheer desperation.”

Jeremy with his trainers. Note how the head has been Photoshopped to look almost regular-sized in this image


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