Government promises golf-playing doctors will check their email

by philapilus

The government has today announced that a hundred-squillionty-million people will have 25 hour a day access to GPs, through an initiative to pay doctors overtime for checking their Blackberries.

‘Just listen to it yourself, OK? I’m busy’

David Cameron announced that “Our new GP Access Fund, which is much less gay than any of Labour’s plans, will mean that after your local surgery has shut, you’ll be able to email your doctor.

“Then, whilst he’s teeing off for the 9th hole, he’ll helpfully respond with an email carefully addressing your symptoms point by point, or tell you to just take an aspirin and piss off, depending on how well he’s doing.”

The Department of Health has said that by slightly extending surgery opening hours, and offering patients the chance to email or skype GPs, the huge shafting the NHS has received over the last few years will be effectively vindicated.

“Look at it this way,” said Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, “Closing hospitals by changing the law when we find out it’s illegal to close them, allows us to make sure we can put the money where its really needed; remote telecommunications.

“That way we do away with all the costly face-to-face stuff , and get ever closer to our prime goal; turning the NHS into a comprehensive, automated 24/7 phone-answering service.

“Basically you’ll self-diagnose by pressing the appropriate numbers on your keypad in response to a series of options. That will take you through to a looped recording of adverts for private health care, that you might find useful. Then the line will go dead.”

Shadow Health Secretary Andy Burnham said “Yeah, that is pretty good actually. We were working on the ‘it’s broke but don’t fix it’ model. Their ‘it’s broke, let’s fuck it up completely‘ idea is much better.

“Wish we’d thought of that.”

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