“She has my complete support” PM backs Maria Miller’s application to Dignitas

by philapilus

David Cameron today leaped to the defence of his embattled Culture Secretary, calling her critics “circling vultures”, and demanding that “we all just forget about the expenses thing now, stop searching for scapegoats, and let her get on with the important work of falling on her own sword.”

Might as well use up the stationery whilst you still can

Mr Cameron said “I have absolutely no intention to sack Maria, she is an excellent minister and MP, and I reject all calls for her to resign. Let me make myself clear; I will not bow to pressure, and she will remain in my cabinet right up until her plane leaves for Zurich.”

Maria Miller, who got into trouble claiming expenses for something no one quite remembers (but which probably involved solid gold robot dromedaries), yesterday applied to Dignitas for help in ending her own life.

Dignitas spokesman, Hans Onmycok, said “It was quite a strange application.

“It started with a heavily crossed out – but still barely legible – sentence which just said ‘G, get rid of MM immediately. Like, yesterday. DC.’

“Which was followed by a long rambling request for assisted suicide, full of passages saying things like ‘I, Maria, deserve to die because I am just a stupid moron, who makes things ridiculously difficult for brilliant, clever colleagues like that brilliant, clever Mr Shapps, and I want to die because he is sick of the sight of my stupid, mournful face’.

“But, you know, we don’t judge. She has lovely masculine handwriting, I’ll give her that.”

Senior Tory and world-class thug, Lord Tebbit, said “Maria should spend tonight contemplating her future, and maybe watching a film.

“Like that bit in Godfather II when Tom Hagen tells Frank Pentangeli to cut his wrists in the bath.

“Or that bit in Hunger Games where the guy with the stupid facial hair is locked in his room with the poisoned berries.

“Or that CCTV footage of me garotting poll-tax protestors; that was Maggie’s favourite. Hang on, I’ve wandered off-message. Can we start again?”

 

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