Archive for April 7th, 2014

April 7, 2014

Palace visitors queuing to be threatened at gunpoint

by philapilus

Hordes of tourists are thronging the Mall this afternoon, and queuing all the way down the Strand, for the opportunity to have a rifle waved in their faces by a Queen’s Guardsman.

On their way to beat the crap out of some annoying French schoolkids

The exciting new visitor attraction was unveiled on Friday, when a lucky member of the public had a gun with fixed bayonet shoved within 12 inches of his noseholes.

Traffic in Trafalgar Square was brought to a standstill by mid-morning today, and Buckingham Palace announced

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April 7, 2014

Glasgow tower block demolitions opposed by thrifty Scots

by philapilus

“Tha athleets is gon’ haf tae compeet in tha nuddy. We cannae proveed outfits; wurr nae maed o’ money, ye ken?”

A campaign to save the Red Road tower blocks, scheduled for demolition at the opening of the 2014 Commonwealth Games, has been launched by the Scottish ‘Wurr nae maed o’ money, ye ken?’ lobbying group.

Spokesman Tavish McGroin, said “Wheesht tha’ nonsense, will ye? Why blow’t yon tooers, whin they’ll fall doon in a wee millenium or twa anyways fae free?!

“Noo; how muckle ye gon’ gie’s furr spaeken tae ye? Oonly Ahm nae maed o’ money. C’mon, ye cheep basturd, will ye

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April 7, 2014

“She has my complete support” PM backs Maria Miller’s application to Dignitas

by philapilus

David Cameron today leaped to the defence of his embattled Culture Secretary, calling her critics “circling vultures”, and demanding that “we all just forget about the expenses thing now, stop searching for scapegoats, and let her get on with the important work of falling on her own sword.”

Might as well use up the stationery whilst you still can

Mr Cameron said “I have absolutely no intention to sack Maria, she is an excellent minister and MP, and I reject all calls for her to resign. Let me make myself clear; I will not bow to pressure, and she will remain in my cabinet right up until her plane leaves for Zurich.”

Maria Miller, who got into trouble claiming

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